


No Silver Lining

by deanisbiandsoami



Series: Why? JUst why did I come up with this? [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: ABORT, Cas is equally stupid, Dean is stupid, Hurt, Hurt Sam, M/M, NO COMFORT AT ALL, Pining, Post - Suicide, Suicide, this is painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-06
Updated: 2013-12-06
Packaged: 2018-01-03 20:52:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1072936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanisbiandsoami/pseuds/deanisbiandsoami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it?</p><p>I did this with my life</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Silver Lining

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this: http://pajamaben.tumblr.com/post/63203248591/ever-accidentally-throw-something-away-and-then

I am… was Dean Winchester. I was in the last year of High School. My father was alcoholic and abusive. He never got over the death of my mother… me neither. My brother was always mine to protect but I failed again and again.

When I looked at my life I saw that I failed at everything and most of all I saw that I was lonely… I had a crush but I couldn't do anything about it, because he was a boy and that would never have worked because we were in Kansas and High School kids are dicks. In my senior year I got into a fight, protecting Sammy and my Dad was called in… of course he was drunk.

Long story short: people knew just how crappy my life really was. And that wasn't even the worst thing. The worst thing was the pity. Everyone tried to console me, everyone said they understood… worst of all my crush was amongst them. Noone could possibly understand that. Sammy had it even harder… again I failed to protect him.

I couldn't handle it. I got worse and worse by the hour. It was shortly before graduation - when all the fucking shit about failing class got added to my incredibly long list of failures - when I gave up.

I locked myself in the bathroom and I wrote a letter to Sammy, telling him how sorry I was but that I just couldn't go on living like that and that I didn't see a way to possibly change it, I told him how sorry I was leaving him alone like that and I told him how sorry I was about not being able to take good care of him. So in the end… my death was a failure, too.

 

They say when you die your live flashes before your eyes… that didn't happen. It was quick. I cut my throat, I bled out, I died. Then there was a reaper, nice guy actually, though a bit creepy. He told me that I could come with him, that my life was over and that I would eventually come to a better place.

I asked if I could stay a while longer, you know, to see the reactions. A great mistake… had I just gone with him like that I'd have been glad that the misery other would call my life was over but I stayed and I saw my brother finding me and I saw my brother cry, I saw my brother shout and shake me… I saw my brother break. I saw my brother go back to school and I saw him with the same empty eyes I used to have. I saw the pity… well more pity. He was hugged by all kind of strangers telling him 'they knew it was hard' that they understood. They didn't. 

Right now, I'm at my own funeral. It's kind of weird actually… I'm watching my father and brother - and a bunch of people from school who were my friends long ago… and then there he is my - so much more than a - crush. His eyes look poofy and red and for a moment I'm not looking at my brother. But then his sobs draw my attention again. HE stays long much longer than the people from my school or my father. He kneels infront of my grave.

When he leaves Castiel is still there. He stands where Sam has kneeled before. 

"I miss you, Dean…" He said. "I know, we didn't know each other much, and we didn't talk much but I know how you felt… I really do. I've been at that point. I lost my parents and I lost most of my siblings and it hurt with every new day… I just wanted it to stop and honestly I have no idea how I got out of it bt I did… I'm sorry it was too late for you and I'm sorry I didn't try harder… I know how anoying pity is. I… Dean… I love you." A tear falls down his cheek. "I don't blame you… I know how hard it is to see a silver lining when everyone you love has been taken from you or has shut you out… I understand why you couldn't do it another day… why you couldn't live through any more pain without seeing an end to it." Cas wipes the tear away and turns around. 

Ever throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it?

I did this with my life

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :33


End file.
